How to Know If Your Child Is Transgender

There is no simple test to tell if a child is transgender. Experts often refer to the idea of insistence, consistency, and persistence in terms of gauging whether a child is just going through a phase or not. This means the more insistent a child is and the longer that insistence lasts, the less likely they are to change their mind about being a different gender from that assigned at birth.

When exploring how to know if your child is transgender, it’s important to understand that every child is unique. While there are possible signs a child may be transgender, none are guaranteed indicators. Instead, caregivers should pay attention to patterns of expression, language, and emotional well-being while remaining open, supportive, and informed.

What Does Transgender Mean?

Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe individuals whose gender identity or gender expression differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. This can include people who identify as a different gender than their assigned sex (e.g., someone assigned male at birth who identifies as a woman), as well as those who do not identify strictly as male or female.

This broader category may include individuals who identify as non-binary, genderqueer, gender fluid, bigender, or agender, among other identities. While some cultures and communities recognize third-gender or non-binary categories, current medical and psychological standards emphasize that gender diversity exists along a spectrum rather than within a fixed set of categories.

It’s important to note that being transgender is not related to sexual orientation. A transgender person may identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or any other orientation.

Today, medical and mental health professionals, including organizations like the American Psychological Association and World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), support affirming care that respects each person’s self-identified gender and encourages access to supportive services such as gender-affirming medical care, mental health resources, and inclusive environments.

Some, but not all, transgender individuals experience gender dysphoria — a clinical term used to describe the distress that can result from a disconnect between one’s gender identity and assigned sex at birth. Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness but rather a recognized medical condition that may benefit from gender-affirming care, such as therapy, social transition, hormone therapy, or surgical interventions, depending on the individual’s needs and goals. Not every transgender person experiences dysphoria, and not all seek medical transition.

Possible Signs of Transgender Child

Many children engage in behavior that challenges the typical gender norms and stereotypes and do not identify as transgender at all.  Nonetheless, there are some possible signs that could indicate a child is transgender or the presence of gender confusion in a child.

• Lack of interest in “gendered” activities – if your child is transgender or questioning their gender identity, you may notice them wanting to participate in activities typically associated with the opposite sex. Of course, a child who is not transgender may be interested in toys and/or games associated with the other sex, so it is important not to automatically assume this behavior means your child is transgender.
• Hairstyle – typically, when a child is around 4 or 5 years old, they begin to want to have a say in their haircut and style. Transgender children tend to be much more vocal about their haircut and/or style and may protest if parents’ final say differs from what they want. Although every child is different, in general, transgender girls desire to have shorter hair, while transgender boys prefer the ability to grow their hair out.
• Disliking their name – if your child has a gendered-aligned name, it might be difficult for them to accept if they are trans. If you notice your child talking about changing their name or requesting others call them by a different name (especially one that is the opposite gender), this could be a sign they are struggling with gender-related issues.
• Referring to themselves as the opposite gender – if you hear your child referring to themselves as the opposite gender (i.e. – your daughter says she is a boy), this could indicate they are transgender (or may indicate the presence of gender confusion). Often, a transgender child will say, “I am a girl/boy” rather than “I wish I was a girl/boy.” If you recognize this behavior in your child, ask them “why” they are referring to themselves as a boy/girl.
• Bathroom behavior – a clear sign of the presence of gender identity issues in any child is their use of bathrooms opposite of their gender identity at birth. Yet, more often than not, this is not the first change in bathroom behavior parents may notice. Instead, transgender or gender-confused children may have accidents due to feeling inclined to “hold it” instead of walking into the bathroom designated for the other sex. Hopefully, the child is able to verbalize this to a parent or trusted adult. But if you notice changes in your child’s behavior around using the bathroom, it is okay to ask.
• Pronoun changes – as more people come out as transgender, the need for gender-neutral pronouns becomes apparent. Personal pronouns are important for all individuals. But for those who are questioning their gender identity, personal pronouns can mean the difference between acceptance and rejection by others. If your child is referring to themselves with gender pronouns opposite of their born gender identity, they could be transgender.  Notice if your child feels more comfortable being referred to as the other sex; ask questions about their preferred pronouns.
• The desire to shop in the opposite gender’s clothing section – as with hairstyle, when a child is around 4 or 5 years old, they begin to want to have a say in what they wear. If, when you take your child shopping, they choose to shop in the opposite gender’s section, this might indicate your child is transgender.  Of course, this could simply be a sign they want to experiment with different fashions, as many children dress and play in ways that challenge gender norms.
• Participating in opposite gender sports – while this is a large generalization if your child expresses interest in participating in sports designated for the opposite gender, they may be transgender.
• Distress – an important indicator of any struggle or confusion in a child is the presence of distress. In terms of a child who is transgender (or questioning their gender identity), distress may show up in various ways, such as daily arguments regarding clothing choices before school.
• Depression and/or suicidal thoughts – unfortunately, depression and suicidal thoughts are often present in transgender individuals and youth struggling with gender identity issues. The source of the depression may stem from a variety of concerns, including:
  • Difficulty accepting their identity.
  • Fear of what it would be like to live as the gender they feel on the inside.
  • Rejection from peers, family, and/or friends.

If you notice signs of depression in your transgender teen or they are expressing the presence of suicidal thoughts, it is important to seek professional help.

How to Support Your Transgender Child

Whether you a sure your child is transgender or uncertain as to whether they are questioning their gender, it is always helpful to seek professional support. Doctors recommend finding a therapist or counselor who specializes in gender identity issues and children. Unfortunately, many parents do not seek outside intervention for their child due to hopes of it just being a phase. Regardless of if your child is experiencing something temporary or truly questioning their identity, having a mental health professional can be extremely helpful.

A therapist can help your child (and the family unit as a whole) decide which changes to make and the timeline of those changes. A therapist can also refer you to other supports and resources such as support groups, medical doctors, etc. If your child is transgender or questioning their gender identity, it is vital you (as the parent) have a place to express fears and confront personal attitudes about gender while not in the presence of your child.

Additionally, there is no shortage of information available for parents in the process of navigating this difficult terrain. It is important to educate yourself, not only to know possible signs to look out for but also to ask educated questions to your child and professionals.

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